Reflection on Seasons

Stevie Nicks and then the Dixie Chicks sing this song about life and love and growing older that I absolutely love.  It's called "LANDSLIDE" and it's definitely slow and sappy - of course I always cry when I hear it.  I thought this was an interesting title for this song, but when you think about life in general isn't that the biggest 'landslide' of them all?  Gravity pulls everything down, and your life tempo - that goes from high roll to slow as you get older too!  Sometimes I think of how old I've gotten and I have this weird out of body experience because in my MIND I am still young, I'm that girl that was flashy and fun.  When I see how old the children (my child, my friends kids) have gotten then it really hits home...I am really OLD as HECK!   every now and then I catch myself saying "when I was your age..."  Have I really grown up to be THAT old lady? 

Sometimes I feel as though I’ve lived several lives…maybe this is because I’ve survived so many storms.  I look back on my life and think what happened to HER?  my friends have changed, where I hang out has changed, who I LOVED has changed, where I work has changed, even where I lived....all changed. 

I was thinking of my father today, I always compare where I am to where he was at my age and I'm seeing a lot of similarities in the life I live.  My father worked so hard that when he was dying he would wake up every morning in the hospital bed saying "I wish I had one more year" or "I just need one more year".  He was 81 and had brain cancer.  He had projects that weren't finished and relationships that had never been resolved, people he wanted to see but hadn't called and he just needed ONE MORE YEAR.  What I've realized now is that sometimes one more minute here or with someone you love and care about wouldn't be enough.  Is it time sliding away from you that is the Landslide in the song? 

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I think of how quickly summer passed, how quickly winter comes and I think about how much the 'seasons' of my life mean to me, how every minute mattered.  Unlike my father, I find ways to take breaks every now and then but mayber there should be more of them.  Scary thought - maybe we stay busy so we don't have to deal with the change at all...

http://animoto.com/play/3m2ecSSZsnYQoLU0Qe7KEQ

The above link is some pics of me at different times of the year.  Seasons change, people change - it should be fun not scary!! 

I'm Gonna

Clean Your Room!

I'm not sure when it happened but at some point in my life "I'm Gonna" became the two words to mean "I'm not going to do" whatever it prefaces.  I don't think I'm special this way, I think that "I'm Gonna" happens to everyone.  When we are young, "I'm Gonna" always means exactly "I am going to do that!",  A child who yells to Mom "I'm gonna go down the block" is gone in a second out the door and down the block.  Those two words to a child are a promise that action is about to occur.  "I'm gonna' ride that bike" and just as surely the bike is ridden, in the beginning - those words mean exactly what they are supposed to.
 A child who says "one day I'm gonna" believes exactly that and is motivated into action to achieve something great.

I think the meaning of the words start to change somewhere around our teenage years. When I yelled to my daughter "CLEAN YOUR ROOM" her response would come floating down the stairs "I'm gonna" ...and somehow I just knew in my heart that the room would remain uncleaned.  This is true for walking the dog, doing the homework and every other thing that was scheduled to be done.  I realize that the words "I'm gonna" from my teen means that I'm GOING to HAVE to double check that action occurred, in fact, this also applys to the husband as well.  Now as an adult I realize I hear it all around me but from other adults who really have no intention of doing anything at all.  I also realize that when I ask "Did you?" and get the angry response "I'm gonna" what is really meant is "I was going to but didn't and will get to it when I can".

Get your work out on Girl!

Think about it..how many times have you heard the words (or even said them)..."I'm gonna lose 30 pounds this year...I'm gonna quit smoking...I'm gonna join a gym, make more time for me, so on and so on..." The 'I'm Gonna' list grows and grows with very little getting accomplished.  I believe that only those who actually set real goals without prefacing them with I'M GONNA are the ones who will actually make things happen.  Sadly those adults are few and far between, the majority of us are just 'gonna'.  "I'm gonna" is the easy excuse to get out of committing to action.  Once the words are said you and those around you believe that a future action may take place, although YOU and I secretly know deep down inside nothing is going to happen.

The most curious thing about life is not the way we play with words and say things we don't mean but that we let things pile up.  Not just chores, but phone calls to friends or people we love, visits and vacations we've 'been meaning to take', thank you's and kindness we intend to extend, promises and goals all just pile up around us.  One day we find we have run out of the opportunity to make good on the promise of "I'm Gonna".

At a funeral I recently attended the priest made a point of saying it's not the year you were born or the day that you died that matters...the most important part of someones life is THE DASH.  He was referring to the time in between those two dates, which on a headstone or a memorial become only a single line, a dash.  Curiously, I want my 'dash' to be filled with things I've accomplished not wasted on empty "I'm Gonna's".  Sounds good in theory but in practice, well - I've an awful habit of saying "I'm gonna" with my too full plate of life and very little free time set aside for me - it may almost be hopeless.  However, every bad habit can be broken but it has to start with me, taking the first step forward to a more active approach to life and hanging up my easy answer of "I'm Gonna".

Go On with your Bad Self!

Horse with No Name

Almost at the end of the course and I am "The Lonely Blogger"...what started as a wonderful creative journey has become the slow dredge up a dry desert sand hill.  I am the Lonely Blogger!  Five posts in and not one comment...I wonder if my words are out there swirling around in digital story land just words which in itself is a pretty SAD story.  I wonder what it takes to be a crazy blogger, or maybe a colorful blogger, or even that blogger who is "in the mix" stirring things up with political hearsay or just making some stranger they've never met from Japan laugh out loud (LOL!).

It isn't much fun sliding into home base without the cheering crowd.  One of the things that struck me about this digital storytelling class I'm taking is how many people are really out there trying to be heard.  The internet is crammed with pictures and links and stories - happy and sad, wonderful and boring.  Words and emotions SWIRLING around in digital story land. My voice becomes one of many and my words are lost like tiny grains of sand - swirling in that sand storm of creativity!  There is so much creativity out there it's hard to 'keep up', let alone stand out or do anything more than blend in!

They say that a good story is the perfect combination of words and pictures.  I think I'm learning on this journey that finding that combination is truly a challenge and that loving words alone isn't enough to make someone a writer, or a good "blogger"!   I think if I'm going to be a successful blogger I'm going to have to find my niche and work getting this horse a "name" and out of the dessert.